It’s like those hunters who work to protect animals - until they can get around to killing them.
A LONG WAY HOME MEREDITH BAXTER MOVIE
For a channel that claims to love women, Lifetime Movie Network sure has a strange way of showing it. New York photographer Teri Polo found it on a Wyoming ranch with cowboy Andrew McCarthy in "Straight From the Heart" fussy book editor Jennifer Beals found it while posing as an alcoholic at AA meetings in "My Name Is Sarah."īut those turn up far less frequently than movies that revel in showing women getting smacked around. There’s also the love-in-unexpected-places motif. Those are all part of the women-in-heat subgenre that also includes "Gossip," in which Kelli Williams couldn’t keep her hands off a married ex-lover "Infidelity," which found married Kim Delaney unable to stop having insane, "91/2 Weeks"-style sex with a jazz musician and "A Murderous Affair: The Carolyn Warmus Story," which saw an almost comically sensual Virginia Madsen kill her lover’s wife. Then there was "My Stepson, My Lover," which was, well, pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Take "Gospel of Deceit," in which preacher’s wife Alexandra Paul, who was impregnated by her father at 14, carries on a steamy affair inside her husband’s church, then, while rolling around on their front lawn covered only by a sheet, wails this confession: "Luke is my son and … Luke is my lover!" There’s something just head-slappingly wrong about a movie that actually tries to elicit sympathy for a sexual predator.īut that wasn’t even the most ridiculous thing I saw. In "A Long Way Home," Baxter, who was molested by her father, welcomes home husband Robert Urich, who was molested by his father, a year after he molested their daughter. And Meredith Baxter didn’t turn up until the final day, but, boy, was she in a doozy. For instance, Valerie Bertinelli wasn’t in any of them. You’re probably shocked - shocked! - to hear these kinds of things are going on in Lifetime movies. Although given the way Delta Burke was terrorized by her son in "Dangerous Child," maybe that wouldn’t have been such a bad thing. It wasn’t long before I started eyeballing every man I crossed paths with like he was a pervert, a psychopath or both.īecause when they weren’t being raped, these women were either being knocked up and abandoned - Gail O’Grady in "Sex and the Single Mom," Laura Leighton in "Love Notes" - or, in the case of "Plain Dirty’s" Dominique Swain, "beaten and terrorized and chained to a coffee table like a bad 4-H project." (Terrible movie, excellent line.)Īfter the double feature of "Moment of Truth: Cradle of Conspiracy" - in which Danica McKellar fell for a man who traveled around impregnating girls as part of some crazed, murderous baby-selling ring - and "Baby Snatcher" - in which Nancy McKeon had a baby with a married David Duchovny, only to have it stolen by a delusional Veronica Hamel - I couldn’t sleep for days, haunted by thoughts that someone, somewhere was trying to steal my (so far as I know) nonexistent baby. In "Silencing Mary," Melissa Joan Hart sought justice after her roommate was raped at a frat house. In "A Reason to Believe," a coed sought justice after she was raped at a frat house. Shannen Doherty? Raped, harassed, thrown in jail, shot and paralyzed. In retrospect, "For the Love of a Child," about a group home for adorable little moppets who’d been raped while being slashed with a razor or had "bad boy" written across their back in cigarette burns, probably was a little much to watch over breakfast.Īnd I don’t mean to go all Sarah Palin and start cavalierly throwing around the word "rape," but rapes are to Lifetime movies what car chases were to "T.J. The results, though, weren’t exactly pretty. (Although, to be honest, that last one wasn’t happening all that much anyway.)
If it wasn’t on Lifetime Movie Network, I didn’t see it. So I did a little investigating to see what it is that women enjoy.Īnd by investigating, I mean I spent a week watching nothing but the Lifetime Movie Network (unofficial motto: Mistreating women every two hours since 1998). But, really, if I had even the foggiest notion of what women like, I might not spend this much time in front of a TV.Īnd even though her advice can be a bit spotty - she also said I should be watching VH1’s "Daisy of Love" - she had a point. A co-worker has been telling me for weeks now that I don’t write enough about things women like.
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